Kent State Awaits

Call out the National Guard.

Saturday Night Live did a sketch years ago mocking the trend in the music industry where big music stars would get together and record a song raising awareness about some issue. I'm not sure these efforts did anything other than make self important celebrities feel better, because it certainly didn't improve the quality of music (remember “We Are the World?). As I recall Adam Sandler played Axl Rose, Phil Hartman was Kennry Rogers, and I'm pretty sure someone was Whitney Houston and there was a Michael Bolton spoof as well.

The song was called “Let the Chickens Be” and I think it had something to do with the free range chicken farm movement. This mockery of the gestures of jesters (I need to trademark that phrase, or at least write about it another time) came to mind this past Saturday as I watched the Dawgs absolutely demolish South Carolina. By the fourth quarter there was a part of my soul that was almost thinking, “Damn, Kirby, let the chickens be.” Almost.

Seeing Georgia dismantle a division opponent that once hired Steve Spurrier gave me great pleasure for four quarters. I've not witnessed butchery on that scale since I visited a Tyson's Chicken plant. I need to check the stats, but I'm pretty sure we prevented Rattler from hanging the 60 he promised on us. I'm going to be charitable and assume he meant yards, not points. In other words, our defense continues to impress.

Offensively, I have been saying that Monken is a wizard for a while now, and after his ruthless play calling in the second half I shall henceforth call him Sarumonken. That was relentless. Watching UGA employ that killer instinct was enormously satisfying, and for those who say such games aren't even exciting by the fourth quarter, well, it's always exciting to me to cheer for a shutout.

As enjoyable as this past weekend was for us, some of our conference brethren had less pleasant weekends. Some bullet points follow.

MSU, you can't expect conference opponents to be as soft in the fourth as a PAC-12 team. Go to your room and have nightmares about what Lane Kiffen plans to do to you at the end of the season and maybe you can bounce back.

LSU, I don't dislike you so just remember it's still Mississippi State.

Alabama, it will be alright, don't have a heart attack Yes, I know there were two interceptions, but when your Heisman winner's bad day still results in a blowout, count your blessings don't curse the future.

Texas A&M, thanks for not embarrassing us again, but go back to your room. What you did to Miami doesn't hide what happened against App State.

Ole Miss, if you were coached by anyone else, I'd be proud of you. But I find Lane Kiffen to be a total couchlicker, so instead I'm mad at you for bullying our little brother. Only we are allowed to beat them up like that in Sanford West on Historic Mark Richt field.

Arkansas, go to your room and think about what A&M and Alabama are planning to do to you now,

Auburn, I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed. If it had been the weekend before midnight madness, I might have been able to overlook this, but basketball season is still a few weeks away. Perhaps in my irritation I'm failing to see the brilliance of this post-modern artistic display. Maybe you were wanting the world to see how unjust institutional corruption can be, and since you've hired the metaphorical equivalent of a preteen boy to be your coach, you wanted to show the world the horrors that occurred in College Station by using Jordan Hare as a metaphorical locker room. If that isn't what you were doing, then you should probably just lie about it and say that it was. Now, go back to your locker room and show the therapist on the doll where the bad Penn State Diddlin' Minors touched you.

Vandy, I don't know what happened to you this weekend. I'm still angry about Wake.

Mizzou, same as Vandy but replace Wake with whatever Big Ten also ran you were embarrassed by.

Kentucky, I'm proud of you. You have Georgia's old job of feeling like a powerhouse until October.

Tennessee, you fared better than Florida. Try not to choke this Saturday. Unless it's on a meteor and everyone else is having to choke on it, too.

South Carolina, the only way you could make me regret the ass whipping we gave you is if you let it demoralize you to the point that you lose to Tennessee and Florida. Chins up, fellas, third place in the East is on the line.

Florida, I'm loving you this season. You pull off a brilliant upset to start the season against a PAC-12 foe that just looks quaint compared to what we did to Oregon. You concede second place in the East to perennial also ran UK while allowing Stoops to eclipse Bear Bryant's record. At home, no less. And then, you struggled all day against South Florida, managing not to lose and make the conference look bad, but only because USF blew the game preventing you from looking good. It's the ideal non-conference Florida game for me. Thanks.

Regarding this upcoming weekend, we host Kent State. Kirby seems to think they're a good football team, and I'm inclined to defer to him. Sounds like they are less of a cupcake and more one of those pastries that is delicious, but has that chewy texture that makes it kind of a pain in the ass to eat. Honestly, I expect it to be competitive until halfway through the second. It's at that point Sarumonken will get tired of the charade and open fire like the national guard. (Too soon?) A few well placed rifle passes down the middle to Bowers et. al and a sustained charge from the running game and they'll break like the anti-war protesters in Moscow. (Ok, that was a cheap shot).

Kent State is the Golden Flashes, which I find to be a strange mascot for a University who’s claim to fame is rifles flashing during a protest. Let’s hope the Death Star East flashes early and often at Sanford on Saturday. Maybe the Redcoats will play a Neil Young song at halftime. Enjoy your gameday, everyone, and may your soup be warm, your beer be cold, and your bar tab affordable. And GO DAWGS!